Six ways to help kids manage the effects of divorce

The effects of divorce can be devastating for the parties involved, but will be especially so for the children who get lost in the shuffle and suffer the most. Any child of divorce where the parents have been fighting, or one of the parties has cheated, or been physically or mentally abusive, will be scarred. How you can handle your pain and sort yourself out, is talk to a counselor who can sit with you and listen to all that is wrong and see how you can best be helped. Other people’s random opinions don’t help. They only confuse you. Involving a child in your marital squabbles is a low blow and only speaks to your own weakness.

1. One of the first things to remember as a single parent is not involve your child in your argument. Don’t ask your child to take sides, and don’t put any pressure on the child. The child is a silent witness and sufferer, and a bystander to a failed marriage and should not be used to score points or to iron out your problems. This is a common mistake some parents make.


2. Decide on a civil approach and both of you agree to put past resentments aside. You are not there to reconcile with each other. You are there to discuss co-parenting the child. Put aside your own feelings. Don’t allow yourself to be goaded. Show at all times that you are serious about the co-parenting techniques you will use. Decide to be partners on this very important issue of raising your child. What you’re aiming for is a well-adjusted child in a normal home.


3. Draw up a friendly visitation schedule together where both parties benefit. For instance, don’t ask for Christmas, spring and all other holidays to have the child. You will see the child on weekends, keep in touch in the week by telephone, and also attend parents’ night or school events. It is only fair that you share equally in the big holidays with your ex.


4. Don’t speak to the child about how much money you have to pay for support. The child will feel that he is costing you money and will feel unloved and insecure and that you are just there because you were forced by judgment or decree to be there, and don’t really care about what happens to him.


5. Grieve the loss of the family unit. No one party escapes the aftermath of a divorce. This process can’t be rushed. It will take as long as it has to. There are five stages of grief. To come out whole at the end, you will have to endure the pain. The pain is there to remind you to change the way you’ve done things. To rush through any of the anger, bargaining and other phases of grief, is to shortchange yourself and the children of the marriage.


6. Pay attention to the children’s physical and emotional needs. If the aftermath of divorce was hard for you, it is many times so for a child.